Iphigenia led forth to sacrifice, with her unresisting tenderness, her mournful sweetness, her virgin innocence, is doomed to perish by that relentless power, which has linked her destiny with crimes and contests, in which she has no part but as a sufferer. *

Mother left us standing there in line, thus escaping from the claustrophobic crowd--fleeing to safety with a kiss on the check and a twenty shoved in my sweaty hand. Part of me wanted to run away with her, but part of me wanted--

Give me a cigarette

Jer just stood there grinning.

C'mon, just one......please?!!!!

His hand moved ever too slowly in the direction of his pocket.

Give me a GODDAMN cigarette

Only laughter and a kiss on the forehead. My desire for nicotine had rendered me homicidal--I opened my mouth to let my canines grow and sharpen. I would slay them all, consume all of their nicotine amidst their cooling flesh, and then take the nicest car in the lot and head west. A camel light red slid between my parted lips, already lit--oh how I loved this man, but would it be considered rude to display my affection through gratuitous copulation in front of all these strangers?

Lighter?

We were standing in front of a state-licensed death trap at a twenty-second rate carnival in Dickenson County--and we had paid to do this. Even more amazing was the embarrassing truth that we were both completely sober, a direct result of having brought my mother along for the festivities. But mother was gone now, she was safe, and I was here. It would take much more than a single cigarette to reach comfort in these hostile surroundings.

I began to dwell on the machine looming before us, some mid-evil torture device that was condemned to the carnival graveyard long before I was born.--Dr. Gonzo never would have knowingly gotten into that...that...thing!!!! Not for all the ether in the world, oh hell no... I started to wonder if they were going to bother to even strap me in??? did I want to be strapped in??--maybe if something broke I could be thrown clear of the carnage.

And suddenly I had an epiphany. Tonight I will die. I tried like mad to console myself. But at least I will die with the Jer.(sigh) I will die loved, with the man I--OH MY GOD, DEAR GOD, I CAN'T DIE--NOT NOW--NOT WITH HIM--PLEASE GOD, I PROMISE TO STOP DOING DRUGS. I'LL GET UP EVERY MORNING AT EIGHT A.M. AND BE A POLITE, PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY. JUST PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE!!!!!!

The pain of utter panic and certain death overtook all the pleasures of my beloved nicotine, and I felt my knees buckle with the thoughts of my own morality.--NO, NO I'M ONLY TWENTY ONE, I'M NOT SUSPOSE TO HAVE EVERYTHING FIGURED OUT YET--I struggled for my balance. The world grew dim. It was the end. I reached out for physical stability as a reflex, and my grasping fingers found Jer's arm. I held on tight, struggling for composure. Slowly I looked up at him, completely consumed in my own fatalism.

He was still smiling, the idiotic Chesire cat that he was.--I DON'T WANT TO DIE WITH YOU--I WANT TO LIVE--PLEASE GOD, IF YOU SPARE ME I'LL DUMP THE LOSER, I SWEAR--JUST DON'T FORSAKE ME NOW. My eyes were wild with panic. My jaw slack with disbelief.

And again there was his laughter, and another kiss. Only this one was hard on my mouth.--had I, in my panic, asked for another cigarette?--Now I was being moved. The fool was hugging me?--PUT ME BACK ON THE GROUND YOU FOOL. I NEED MY WITS ABOUT ME. THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH--DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

I love you.

What?--did he know too? Was he knowingly leading me to my death? How could this be. MOMMY COME BACK AND SAVE ME!!!!--But wait,--did she know too? Was that why she had left so soon? Had she left me here to die??

Oh I love you so much...

I DON'T WANT TO DIE. FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL I'M NOT SUCIDIAL AND I'LL NEVER PRETEND TO BE AGAIN. JUST PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE.

...and when you looked at me just now, like that, well...no other girl has ever looked at me like that before and well...

just how many girls have you killed Jer? Don't even try and tell me I'm the first one. I mean lets think about it, there's a carnival here every year and you've been driving for seven. Don't even pretend to be a death virgin.

...I don't know exactly how to say it Sarah, but...

...but I'm dead. Thank you Jer but I already have that one figured out. The real question is why I'm still standing here and why all I can think about is this cookout I went to where they served Chef Boyardee. Shouldn't I be screaming?? Or running away?? I'm kinda hungry. I don't think I would have become a vegetarian if I had known I was going to die so young

...but the way you looked at me just now. I guess I know how much you love me, and I've never had anybody look at me like that before. It's just the most amazing thing. I know that you will never hurt me. I love you, I do."

HUH???? He was kissing me again, but I was too confused to put up a struggle and too disgusted with his ignorance to worry about my untimely departure into life's last great adventure.

I didn't die, but I did almost throw up--the fear of public humiliation caused me to swallow it back down, so that later I could full the burn of denied bile which each cigarette I bummed from Jer. He didn't seem to mind my constant demand for nicotine though. He even bought a new pack when we left the carnival.

The whole time he was gushing about how crazy he was about me--plum eat up with love--and on and on about the look on my face--how does one mistake the look of death for a gaze of undying emotion??? It was all too much to comprehend so I blocked it all out. Later, when I could bear no more, I doubled over clutching my stomach and began screaming that my head hurt. I denied all attempts to remedy my ailings until he put me in his car and took me home to my mommy. She was asleep, so I curled up at the foot of her bed, just thankful to be alive.

--but that was a lifetime ago, when things were simple and I understood the world.