Ahhh, teacher quotes. The REAL reason I go to class. I must give credit where credit is due: I stole this idea from a long-time friend Peter Ohlms. Thanks, Peter. (You can see Peter's teacher quotes on his page.) And, like Peter, I have chosen to keep secret the true identities of these wonderful givers-of-knowledge. The names I have chosen here represent something that I personally endearingly quirky about all of them, furthur guaranteeing their anonyminity, although it would be far from difficult to find out who, at George Mason University, teaches history and speaks Zulu. Also of note is that I have more than five professors but these; however, are the only ones that ever say anything remotely interesting, and that is of high credit indeed.
"That happened in 1776, which should be easy for us to remember, not that you should remember, because I don't care."
Stupid Girl: "So, um, like, tango?"
DM: "So, like, um, tango. Yes. Um, like, tango is going to be exoticized."
"Country X colonizes country Y, creating A and B factions in Y. A is the smaller faction of elites, which are neo-colonized in terms of the colonizers, who are, if you.ve been able to follow along with this ridiculous analogy by some miracle of God, country Y. I mean, X."
DM: "Pretend we didn't have this sophisticated conversation."
<Random girl laughs.>
DM: "Shut up! It's sophisticated!"
On when slavery ended in Latin America: "Different times, so it makes it difficult for pathetic professors like me to remember the dates."
On historians, of which DM is one: "They're slaves to chronology because they're too boring to think of any other way to organize their works."
"It's amazing! It's heartwarming! Or something..."
"I'm not trying to be nasty! I'm trying to help! (pause) I have a tone problem."
Talking about semicolons: "It's... it's... a... a... an UNNECESSARY... piece... of PUNCTUATION!"
Talking about something in Zulu: "I would say the word, but it has too many x's. I don't want to click. I just had dental work done and I'm afraid of it popping out. That would be gross."
On historians, of which LL is also one: "He's a historian. One of the most, I'd say, noble professions known to man."
"What was the Aba women's war? (long pause as no one knows the answer. Then, trying to be helpful) It's not a Swedish group."
"It is much more excusable for a three year old to take apart a radio than for some idiot to look at a dead deer and hold up traffic! If you want to see a dead deer, look it up in an anatomy book or something, but just MOVE!"
"I've never seen Dr. Phil on Oprah, but I know I want to slap him. Shut up, Dr. Phil."
"Pookie and Spud are my prototypical students. They have parents, Lars and Bethany."
"All my stories are true. I can't make them up; I'm not that creative."
"Somebody invent chalk that doesn't squeak! Promise me!"
"Mothers always look at their kids and say "good job." Don't ever say that! Children don't have jobs! That's how we know they are children. If they have jobs, they better have pay stubs!"
On sororities: "The night of initiation, you weep, you're moved, and then three months later: "I WANT TO KILL HER!""
On Disney World: "It costs $100 to get in, and then you have to buy stuff, if you bring little sticky people."
"Thank you for your feigned interest."
"Sometimes how smart you are depends on where you're standing."
On the authors of the textbook: "I don't know if these guys took drugs."
"We'll start doing the fun stuff as soon as we can."
"I do this not because I'm shallow, but because I'm bizarre."
"He's a content-free person."
"If you can't use email, you should be banished to a cave! And not even that, because Al Queda is emailing from caves!"
"I was camped out at that 7-11 like a murder, waiting for the first edition of the Post."
"This huge bureau has 100 dorks sitting around just crunching numbers."
"Now we're in glamour world, kids!"
"There are no makeups for exams. However, if you are scheduled to have cocktails with President Bush at the Old Ebbit Grill, by all means let me know, and I will certainly accomodate you."
"Hmm. That wasn't such a good example."
On what happens if you have a typo in a resume or cover letter: "They'll make a little paper airplane out if it and fly it right over to the trash can."
On if we have to dress nicely for speeches: "No. I realize some of you may have just come from grooming the horses out in Middleburg."
"This is not biology 103. When will I ever see another fetal pig? This is NOT fetal pig material!!!"
"We'll be a REAL university shortly."
"You don't potty train a horse! They doo doo EVERYWHERE. And then when it rains, it makes doo doo slush. You're walking in DOO DOO SLUSH! It was really a horrible time. You really wouldn't want to live back then. I don't even know why the hell you took this class."
"It describes what life is like in minimum security prison. It's actually kind of nice. You know, in case you think your rent is too high around here, you might want to consider it...They'll let you out to go to school!"
In reference to Michael Jackson: "He's MY hero."
On the anti-terrorism license plates: "I bet terrorists will see that and really THINK TWICE."
"What the hell is her NAME? You can tell she made a big impact on me."
"It's not going to militate--militate?--militate or some word like militate, until later."
"Romeo and Juliet. It was pretty progressive. Marrying for love that is...It was so stupid. They met and a day later were married. COME ON! If he would have had to be married to her for twenty years, that would have been worse than suicide. THEN it would have been a tragedy not a...well, I guess it was a tragedy anyway. The point is, he got off easier by dying."
On growing potatoes: "Maybe I'll try that, just for funsies!"
"Where I live, we all have 1/10 of an acre, so if I grew potatoes, my neighbors would look at me weird. Why aren't you growing your three blades of grass?"
"I don't know much about breastfeeding, thank GOD."
"Isn't that true? Don't I know what I'm talking about?"
"If you're really stupid, you could become a college professor!"